When You Wish Upon A Star
By Patty Clark
By Patty Clark 2519
I think crazy girlfriends are the best because you never know what you’re going to get.
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In an unexpected moment of devotion, my doting boyfriend came up to me and said, “I love you.” I asked “Why?” He responded, “I don’t know. I haven’t figured that out yet.”
I don’t always whimper. But when I do, questionable fondness is probably involved. But I am convinced that this man adores me so much that he would never use me as bait on a safari if it were a choice between him and me in a tiger attack.
I like to be the reason he smiles when he knows he’s going to get eaten alive.
Here is another endearing phrase he uses. “Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.” But the relationship will continue to grow and prosper and mutually benefit both of us if he doesn’t stand over me with a pillow and a gun when I snore.
Speaking of such profound adoration, both my Dad and my boyfriend think Sophia Loren is simply the sexiest woman ever.
I have often wondered out of the millions of women on earth, why Sophia? Is it the curvaceous figure? Or the fact that she wows a crowd with her movie star glamour?
Is it the charcoal winged eyeliner she so pointedly paints above and below her eyes that extends almost to her earlobes and screams Here I am boys?
People may not recognize me anymore once I start penciling in wickedly black and lengthy enhancers. But I suspect the good Lord did not intend for men to ogle over just one woman.
Recently my beau and I stayed in a Hollywood hotel where every elevator is plastered with actual size movie stars.
You walk into one and cannot help but become enchanted by the famous highnesses of Hollywood who have you mesmerized when they stare into your eyes.
After a night of moderate drinking, we proceeded back to our hotel where Casanova and I entered one of the big square hoists and he immediately zooms in on the female stars. “Hey girls,” he says followed with, “Nevermind.”
As if they weren’t exactly the girls he wanted to flirt with.
I asked him, “What about Marilyn?” He answered, “Nope. It’s gotta be Sophia Loren.”
We walked down the hall to our room that was lined with more photographs of classic stars. I mosied by each one pointing out Greta Garbo, Montgomery Clift, Veronica Lake, and Lawrence Olivier.
Then I yelled, “No way! They placed Sophia Loren right next to OUR room?? What are the odds!” I’m not normally a jealous woman. But I was in star hell that night having to share my beau with a classic Italian pin-up actress, listening to the kind of coquetry carried on by my lover and the sexy Sophia.
Her smirky smile threatened to reduce me to something very much like a creature from another planet.
Is it a coincidence that I brought along my current reading material Why Men Die First?
I’m sure there are chapters coming up about crushes, homewreckers, infidelity, and bloodshed.
Sure, it could have been the three glasses of wine. But I had to explain to my sweet sugardumpling that when a woman wants a guy, first she has to make sure he isn’t with another woman.
Then she should catch his eye and hold his gaze for five seconds. I’d say the sultry Sophia was holding his gaze for the entire time we stood there talking.
Then a woman is supposed to flip her hair and walk away. I tried telling mister stud muffin that women who can’t flip their hair and walk away are needy and can clamp onto a guy like a bloodthirsty parasite.
I’ve done more research on domestic intelligence than the FBI, and sometimes the smallest step of reassurance can activate the mightiest of miracles.
I wondered if the aging star suffers like I do from memory loss, and if she too disguises her midriff.
In fact, I wanted to go home and look into the dilapidated factors of other famous women.
I tried gaining his attention back by laughing at his sleek Casanova impersonation, and restructuring the conversation towards something a little more intriguing like the Louisiana Purchase.
After all, I’m no stranger to wine’s magical powers myself. I was almost sure I heard the urbane actress offer my guy a lovely lap dance.
No wonder my beau was so amorous that night. He burst into the room and grabbed me passionately.
He claims it’s not about sex with Sophia. It’s more about sensuality. Even though I knew our love would burn stronger than a wired tungsten filament in a see through bulb, I wasn’t born yesterday, or the day before that.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t stay awake that night wondering about the women he dreams about. At about 4 am I told him, “Honey, it’s been three years now. I think it’s time we seriously thought about cutting ties to past loves.”
Women want trust, loyalty, affection, and no gaping at other gals. Then we will do most anything men want, except move to a remote fishery in the Yukon.
As we left the room to check out, my fella said, “I’m walking right by her since I only have eyes for you babe.” That was special.
I think crazy girlfriends are the best because you never know what you’re going to get. You might get eight hours of solid sleep yourself, or be awakened by a slinging of catcalls by your mate who swears she is Batwoman but looks more like a disheveled Lizzie Borden on some mission to murder somebody.
I usually need seven hours of healthful beauty sleep. Ten if I’m deplorable.
According to Sir Jiminy Cricket, when you wish upon a star, it makes no difference who you are and your dreams come true.
I thought maybe the rapturous Sophia was going to come down off the wall and have her way with my man. If that had been the case, I would have been searching that wall for Cary Grant.
If you like this author on NoteStream, be sure to download Patty Clark's new book, "DAMSEL IN DIS MESS: girlie antics & other shenanigans" now available on Amazon.