The Kiss I Can't Forget/Letters I'll Never Send
You're far from alone if you've ever started a letter you've never sent, or had a kiss you simply can't forget.
Twenty Something Living
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As twenty-somethings, we have all had our fair share of half-written, tear-stained, and unsent letters. From the letter to your best friend in 6th grade to your first college boyfriend to your condescending coworker, and everyone in-between, we’ve got them all.
Some of the letters may be hidden underneath our beds at our parents house, others are drafts in AOL e-mail accounts, and the rest (and most) are never to be seen again.
There’s a reason that we don’t send these letters to their intended recipient – maybe it’s pride or fear; maybe the circumstances change, or maybe you do. Whatever the reason, there are valuable lessons to be learned in all of those letters that you’ll never send.
This column will be a series of the letters that I’ll never send – in hopes that they’ll help other twenty-somethings get back in touch with the emotions we quickly forget about when we tear the paper up, or turn the computer off…
I went back to that bar last night – the one that I used to hate until you gave me a reason to love it. When I took one step into that room where we were, I had to take two steps back. I thought I saw us – and the kiss – in the middle of the room.
I could instantly feel the conversation that we were having right before it happened. We were strangers who used to know everything about each other, who now knew nothing (I think there should be a name for that – something in between “strangers” and “old friends”. I know you would agree).
Maybe it was the combination of the drinks, the lights and the music, or maybe it was your eyes and the apparent absence of time…but I had never felt a rush like that before.
You didn’t mention her all night – but I knew (even though I told you I didn’t).
I knew you had been together for years – as far as I could tell on Facebook, it was a the forever-kind-of-thing. She was on the back of my mind the entire night –
It was so nice to reconnect… but it really sucks that this night has to end as just friends. I wonder if he feels the way about her that he felt about me. What does he think of me right now…
And then you kissed me, and all of those thoughts stopped – along with my breath, my heart, and my mind.
It wasn’t like I remembered your kisses to be. Sure, we’d both had many more years of practice now – but I don’t think that’s what made my heart react in that way. You kissed me like no one has ever done before.
I unlocked our lips when I remembered her. I asked you if you were still together, but to be honest, I wasn’t even listening to your answer. You responded in another kiss – this one even more passionate than the first – but I still knew the answer was “yes.”
When you left that night, I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if you kissed me because you’ve wanted to for the past decade, or if you were drunk and I was flirting and you had a bad habit that I was at the receiving end of.
But then you told me that it was a mistake – you wanted to be with her, and that wasn’t going to change. I tried to tell you that I couldn’t stop thinking of the kiss – but the words couldn’t quite come out. So instead, I told you that was a good decision.
I honestly thought that would be the last time I’d hear from you for another decade, and that I’d see your wedding photos soon.
You know that I’ve always been one who believes in “signs” – I used to turn the slightest coincidence into a grandoise act of fate.
As the years have passed, that part of me has slowly disappeared – except when it comes to you. So I analyzed, re-analyzed and over-analyzed the kiss for months that passed, and even dreamed of you telling me that you had broken up and now it was our time to see if the kiss meant what I thought it did.
But then it actually happened – and you told me that I was part of the reason that things were over between you two. I didn’t know how to react so out of fear of seeming insensitive, I told you that I was sorry to hear that. And then I waited.
I gave you time, but as the months passed, I started to expect you to ask me out on a date – to continue that conversation that was so abruptly ended by your lips. But you never did it. Instead, you’ve continued to send me drunken texts and uninteresting messages – making it clear to me that you are stuck trying to be the single version of yourself that you think you’re supposed to be.
But I’m here to tell you that I’m not going to wait on you to figure that out.
I have a boyfriend now, and things are great. I know that you don’t know about him because if you did, you would pop up again – just as you always do, at the worst times But we’re too old for this now – this has gone on for too long.
Maybe our paths will cross again but if they don’t, then our story will end with this kiss. The kiss that I can’t forget, because it reminds me that you’re still not ready – and possibly never will be.