I'm a Hypocrite and It's Time to Come Clean cover

I'm a Hypocrite and It's Time to Come Clean

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Maybe you remember my story from way back when. The one where I admitted to having an eating disorder, a disease that caused me to weigh less than 100 pounds, and explained how it consumed my life and tore apart the people I care about most. That was back in February, and since then I have tried to lead a healthy life, and for a short while I was succeeding.





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I'm a Hypocrite and It's Time to Come Clean

Backslide

Maybe you remember my story from way back when.

The one where I admitted to having an eating disorder, a disease that caused me to weigh less than 100 pounds, and explained how it consumed my life and tore apart the people I care about most.

That was back in February, and since then I have tried to lead a healthy life, and for a short while I was succeeding.

This disorder inspired me to start up a blog called She’s All Smiles to help readers lead a happy and healthy life themselves.

Taking Control

I thought if I had people relying on me, it would motivate me to take care of myself, and would help me build a positive relationship with food.

For a while it worked and after several months, up to June I thought I was out of the darkness.

I was feeling like myself again, having been able to indulge in pizza and beer while watching a movie with my husband.

I was back and I couldn’t be more excited.

Losing Control

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Losing Control

And then, I made a terrible mistake.

Lost

I don’t know what overcame me.

Why I felt the need to look, but I did that one fateful morning and everything has come crashing down since.

For some reason, the voice crept back up into my head telling me to “Just check, it’ll be ok. No big deal.”

I got up from the bed, paying close attention not to wake up my husband and crept to the bathroom. I opened the cabinet and pulled out the scale.

Pausing for a moment I tried to convince myself not to do it, not to step on but I did it anyway.

Pain

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Pain

Immediately a flood of tears overcame me.

Turmoil

Suddenly I felt fat. I was disgusting.

I felt ashamed, embarrassed, upset. I wanted to take it back but the damage was already done. Suddenly I was afraid of everything. I didn’t want to tell anyone. This was something I’d have to keep a secret. I can’t appear weak.

So I kept writing. I kept lying. I kept running away from the problem.

I’ve been pretending that everything is ok. That I’m still healthy and strong.

When my husband found out that this issue was happening, he was hurt that I was lying to him.

He was hurt that I bought almond milk and hid it at the bottom of the fridge.

Collateral Damage

He was hurt that I tried to play off wanting to have cereal for dinner because “It’s delicious.”

But he was mainly hurt that I didn’t trust him. That I didn’t trust him enough to tell him that I was having these thoughts again.

That’s when I realized that I can’t do this again, I can’t hurt the people I care about, again.

I must take comfort in the fact that I have people who care about me, whether it’s readers, family, friends.

They all deserve to know the truth. That’s why I’m coming clean. This is going to be a rough time but I’m setting goals for myself and with your help I may actually be able to accomplish them.

Join Me

If you’re experiencing something similar I ask that you join me in this new project.

I promise to document my food at every meal as a way to push myself to actually consume what’s pictured.

Self confidence is a huge issue with eating disorders and as a way to combat that, I’d like us to also share a photo a day of ourselves, or something we like, or inspires us and then include a caption that details one new thing you love about yourself.

Follow

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Follow

If you’d like, please join me with the hashtag #SASEmbraceYourBeauty. I’m @BrittanyFEngler if you want to follow along.

Thank you for reading.

TwentySomethingLiving