Clear and Present Wager  cover

Clear and Present Wager

By


A wager is an agreement between two parties in which the one who has made an incorrect prediction about an uncertain outcome will forfeit something stipulated to the other. My boyfriend and I often participate in this kind of competitive challenging. He makes bets with me that I too won’t be able to find his glasses when they come up missing. It’s like making a wager with a female squirrel that she won’t find a nut.





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Clear and Present Wager

Place Your Bets

A wager is an agreement between two parties in which the one who has made an incorrect prediction about an uncertain outcome will forfeit something stipulated to the other.

My boyfriend and I often participate in this kind of competitive challenging. He makes bets with me that I too won’t be able to find his glasses when they come up missing. It’s like making a wager with a female squirrel that she won’t find a nut. As of now, all bets are off. Particularly since he likes to be right and my money is usually on me.

Besides, he likes to bet for sex when I like to bet for things like expensive automobiles and dinners in provinces of France.

Lady Luck

Lady Luck

Thus far, he’s been winning the better part of our bets. Not that I object to his favorable winning requests. I’d just be more inclined to grant his wishes in a Porsche or somewhere in the Cote d’Azur.

Trail Blazers

As ridiculous as my wagers are, I have to simply assume that he came out of school knowing absolutely everything and he will huff and puff and blow my hypothesis down.

Obviously he is the second most competitive mortal I know. Having found the seemingly perfect person to share my life with, it’s still a game of he said she said. And being the trail blazers that we are, we bet on who should sit in the driver’s seat, who should sit on the passenger side, and who should actually be duct taped at the mouth and riding in the trunk.

He wouldn’t want it to be him.

Sport Fishing

I go over speed bumps too fast.

We do agree that I’m a much better parker and he is much better at seeing stop signs. However he often puts me in the hot seat where I am steeped in the most pendantic details of a subject matter. Once we faced off on aquafarming and the problems of unsustainable fishing. First of all, he had a clear advantage over me. He knows sports. And he’s a fisherman.

Now I am smarter than the average reddish-blonde bear. But I’m thinking, how complex can fishing be? You need a rod, beer, boat, body of water, a few fish, and the alluring hooker on board.

Hook, Line and Sinker

Hook, Line and Sinker

Raising the Stakes

My steady opponent went into descriptive statistics and started explaining the economics of fisheries.

“Close your eyes and picture all this. Don’t you see?”

To be honest, I didn’t see anything but complete and imperforate darkness underneath my eyelids. I bet him that the only way we will really know that the economy is in bad shape is when Ellen DeGeneres starts giving away Slinkies. Since redirecting conversations is one of my finer attributes, I bet him lunch that he wouldn’t know who Gary Oldman is. Which to me, is a profound sadness on behalf of filmmaking humanity. But my sweetheart doesn’t like to be distracted while driving.

I uttered, “Switch places would ya. I’ve got a Taco Bell burrito riding on this.”

Chop Sticks

We make bets that there’s a right way and a wrong way to eat sushi. I order a fork first.

I tried pulling a pair of chopsticks apart and rubbed them together to remove any splinters. My sushiologist hunny bunny indicated that a good sushi bar and grill would never offer splintery sticks. Then he asked me if I was getting prepared to knit a sweater or start a fire. While attempting to pick up a crab roll, I watched all but three grains of rice fall back onto my plate.

Noodles and Romance

Noodles and Romance

My disputing dining mate bet me to use chopsticks the next time we went for spaghetti. I preferred to picture us nuzzling over a plate of noodles without any utensils like Lady and the Tramp. I then bet him to tell the waiter “I’ll have what she’s having” and make a scene by seductively faking an orgasm.

Poor Sport

Meanwhile, the eight year old at the next table had already mastered his chopsticking skills while his parents were dining on stir fry.

The cat in the sushi hat comes back to inform me that I’m not holding my sticks correctly, and walked over to the next table inquiring how their sauteed pork tasted. Whereas he promptly started singing in a strong Japanese accent, “We will, we will, wok yoo.”

Stranger Wagers

I bet my beau that the guy must have gone to some cooking school of the performing arts with Queen.

We leaned over to comment to the couple about the singing and they commented on our betting. The wife who looked like she was ready to burst at the seams stated, “I bet my husband that I wouldn’t get pregnant. It’s been nine months since my last period!”

Stranger Wagers

I bet my beau that the guy must have gone to some cooking school of the performing arts with Queen.

We leaned over to comment to the couple about the singing and they commented on our betting. The wife who looked like she was ready to burst at the seams stated, “I bet my husband that I wouldn’t get pregnant. It’s been nine months since my last period!”

Losing Streak

Losing Streak

My man wagered that there would be no wine left in our bottle by the time we were done with dinner. He’s always right. Then again when I don’t check, he distracts me while he siphons the last few ounces. We went to pay our bill betting that the restaurant would charge us for extra eel sauce. I lost three bets that night, plus my fair share of the wine.

Born a Fool

My competitive nature kicked in when I recently bet my boyfriend that Pillsbury cake mix is more moist than Betty Crocker.

I made both, but added a lot more oil to Pillsbury’s batter. He wondered why it was greasy and kept slipping off his fork. But I have to confess. I was out to win, risking damnation and possibly poor digestion. I plead guilty and earnestly petitioned for a light sentence upon the grounds of extenuating circumstances. I was born to fool.

If I could just win more often I wouldn’t have to resort to such trickery. But I figure it this way. Under the law of averages, every time he’s able to find the humor in anything I do, I’m a winner.

Something Agreeable

Something Agreeable

It’s a good thing neither of us want to go to Vegas, that advanced state of agitation. I do know a bet I will always win. I can ask him if he’s naked underneath his clothes. But I must say, we adore way more than we annoy each other. That’s why we’ve lasted this long.

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