Two Great White Hopefuls              cover

Two Great White Hopefuls

By


Sometimes I am assigned the responsibility of helping look for things, provided I have the essential dexterity to get the job done. This started with kids when they could never find anything. They walked around the house reciting the names of missing items as if they were going to magically reappear. It’s very much the same as cursing "Jesus Christ" which doesn’t exactly get you heavenly blessings.
Finding things is no different today. Take my beau, whose forgetfulness has started to dominate his existence and he can't find things he leaves around the house.





NoteStream NoteStream

NoteStreams are readable online but they’re even better in the free App!

The NoteStream™ app is for learning about things that interest you: from music to history, to classic literature or cocktails. NoteStreams are truly easy to read on your smartphone—so you can learn more about the world around you and start a fresh conversation.

For a list of all authors on NoteStream, click here.




Read the NoteStream below, or download the app and read it on the go!

Save to App


Two Great White Hopefuls

Responsibility

Sometimes I am assigned the responsibility of helping look for things, provided I have the essential dexterity to get the job done.

This started with kids when they could never find anything. They walked around the house reciting the names of missing items as if they were going to magically reappear. It’s very much the same as cursing "Jesus Christ" which doesn’t exactly get you heavenly blessings.

Finding things is no different today. Take my beau, whose forgetfulness has started to dominate his existence and he can't find things he leaves around the house.

It’s Right There

It’s Right There

You know, those oversights. And when I say oversights, I mean standing directly over something when it is staring right back.

Mountain: Muhammad

If lost items were topped with grilled Ahi and oyster shooters, he'd have no problem finding them.

I am basically entrusted to bring a mountain of things to Muhammad, while Muhammad experiences moments of lamentable agitation. Of course the typical way to find anything is to moan miserably and ask if I know where they are.

Last time this happened, I suspected the consumption of something sour could have possibly created this mood swing. The jury is still out on eggs and tuna fish sandwiches. It's like he’s looking for a lost puppy only sputtering vulgarities in the process.

Tragedy

He recently misplaced his IPad and meandered from room to room.

He would never find the black technical wizard if he places it within any diameter that is richly pigmented in ebony tones. I can see why he wouldn’t want to lose his precious metal when it’s a library, game console, has sexy voice Siri instruction, and is basically what keeps him from doing anything else. So I want to provide him with a tracking device during his last few minutes of exasperation.

Purpose

Purpose

Thank you Lord for making me realize my lifelong purpose is to look for things. What's it going to be like when he can't hear anything quieter than a raceway dragster?

Limits

I love my baby sweetie pie.

But if Patty hears the words “Patty, have you seen my IPad” one more time, Patty may lose Patty’s mental acuity and purposely misplace everything else in his house to really test his length of profanity.

He did tell me that he wants to be cremated with the wireless accessory and his ashes scattered throughout Home Goods. That way he’s assured I will be with him for eternity when he plays Hearts. I do love doing things for him, partly because it helps keep movement in my bodily vessels.

Fashion Choices

My guy often comes from his dressing area clad in a severely lacerated shirt and shorts with no undies, as if he was entering a torn t-shirt contest and his gonads were the grand foothills of Mt. McKinley.

Not that I am adverse to seeing moving objects beneath a pair of pants. I like not having much of a barrier between me and my man. But I wonder if he does not see that the shirts hanging in his closet look like they came from Good Will thirty years ago.

Where’s That Closet...?

Where’s That Closet...?

More hilarious is when he walks around with the greatest of ease in the buff if he can’t find the closet.

Reasons Why

Some folks like letting their privates feel the fresh air, except for maybe the audience of neighboring peepers who would like to eliminate prancing exhibitionists.

My boyfriend is either destined for total alienation, or the neighbors could simply put up higher fences. I’m lucky the guy can see me. We’ve learned that there’s a reason to all his eyesight silliness, something as simple as a growing cataract. Surgery is planned soon.

Solutions

I'm not any better. I have the same infrastructure as a washing machine.

I stand over the hard working appliance that provides a certain level of functionality and effectiveness, and all it does is sit there and hum. My brain gives me the same bumbling treatment.

It's best said that I should just live in a one room house so I can find missing items easier. When I can't locate something, you want to put enough distance as you can between yourself and the growling that occurs.

Spares

Spares

A person of any intelligence looking for a robe should really hang that robe in the closet and keep it there for the next time she needs it.

Challenges

There have been times I thought we were having an earth trembler when my cell phone was vibrating and I totally forgot it was in my hand.

Then there’s my car, where I parked my car, what color my car is, or did I even take my car. Leave me for long periods without glasses and supervision and I’ll be ramming my toes into furniture and frying chicken in apple cider vinegar. Everything has become an optical delusion and I should wear stringed spectacles and bubble wrap.

Oops

Oops

I should already be dead from things in my past. Jarts. Second hand smoke. Drinking water from the garden hose. The 1970 Goose Lake Music Festival.

Lost

Yesterday I was on the freeway heading to a specific location for the first time.

And since my cranial area often accompanies thoughts other than paying close attention to what I’m doing, I had to swiftly scoot over three lanes to make my exit. It took passing that exit and snarling “Oh shag me” as I contemplated almost getting killed along with my next move. I got lost within this one mile radius and was ready to call the cops to come escort me back. For a minute there, I thought I was in a Metromaze at the county fair.

Upside

I also admit to the time I simmered a chicken carcass all afternoon, grabbed a colander, and poured the entire pot of hot goodness down the sink.

A coupla cans of Campbell’s aren’t nearly as satisfying. The sad part of diminishing brain matter is that I have gums that are receding as well. But after watching a slew of crime dramas, I’ve come to the realization that rapists only prey on women who wear matching bra and panties, and don’t have skin tags. I feel so much safer now.

Where is…?

Where is…?

Our brains spin impotently when trying to focus and find things.

Soulmates

So surely my mate and I don’t need to duke things out over our shortcomings.

We are fairly equal in these two categories because there's simply no hope for either of us. I just hope my man doesn’t mistake the front door with the bathroom door when he’s naked. Author Robert Brault quoted, “What we find in a soulmate is not something wild to tame, but something wild to run with.” I’m glad I’m running with a stallion. I’ll always be his helpmate when he needs me to lead him back to the barn.