By Patty Clark
My sisters and I were saints. Just ask them. Behind every delinquent brother was a substantial amount of pugnaciousness and soviet style operations. The world needed new leaders who were cunning and resourceful. But I was seriously concerned about their futures heading more towards maximum security.
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Someone to Blame
I’m surprised that I am with a man today considering the former odious advances made by certain males. And the fact that I lived with six brothers. Testosterone ruled.
They didn’t have to do dishes, or wash clothes, or make beds. The only reason they even came home at night was because they had clean sheets and liked helping themselves to all the refrigerator contents while everyone else was sleeping. I blamed everything on my brothers. Besides, it felt good redirecting the focus of my critics.
Boys will Be Boys
While Mom and Dad were Away
My sisters and I were saints. Just ask them. Behind every delinquent brother was a substantial amount of pugnaciousness and soviet style operations.
The world needed new leaders who were cunning and resourceful. But I was seriously concerned about their futures heading more towards maximum security. Especially the time they decided there needed to be two kegs and about five thousand kids from high school at our house while Mom and Dad were away.
It resulted in my first hangover. Needless to say, their secret was safe with me. That night, between trying to sleep and my unofficially diagnosed A.D.D., I started counting sheep, my head spins, 101 Dalmatians, McDonald’s farm full of animals, and twelve hundred partridges in both pear and apple trees.
Aliens on Earth
So many times I wondered… oh brother, where art thou brains? If they weren’t egging the neighbor’s screens, they were placing dead insects inside my slippers.
And don’t get me started on farts. Like cars, brothers should be smog tested every year. I acquired a wealth of education from the pneumatic stinky instructors. I was in tenth grade when my oldest brother taught me to skip school by hanging out at his friend’s house with his buddies.
I played eenie meenie miney moe, wondering which of them would be worthy enough to be my future boyfriend. That was the day I realized aliens really do reside on earth and can remove beer bottle caps with their teeth.
The Principal and Police
I showed up to the day party with cocktail wieners while some guy showed up with rolled doobies. I knew something was strange when the teen started making S’Mores with vanilla wafers, lunchmeat, and Lucky Charms.
Fortunately I wasn’t introduced to white powdery stuff razored into rows. The adventure had already broadened interactions with the principal and the police. I overheard my brother talking about having sex. Naked girly posters were a far-fetched way of achieving that goal. Although, I would have gotten a lot of satisfaction out of deflating a doll and handing her over to our parents.
Headed to Detention
Go to Your Room
I preferred that my brothers went outside and tortured mice with slingshots instead of me. Certain things may have conspired to rob them of their ability to be civil.
Like starting the day with excessive amounts of pure sugared Kool-Aid. Or the physical abuse of having vegetables forced down their throats. Who knows? And no matter how much they cajoled their way into stirring up sympathy, nothing they said was going to stop me from turning states evidence and having them placed permanently in some penitentiary.
It would have been the perfect “Go to your room” with no release date. It was my idea to lay land mines around their beds. But for some reason, my parents weren’t too keen on that proposition.
Too Strong a Sentiment
When I was about seventeen, a younger brother told me his co-worker wanted to take me out to dinner. I thought he’d hook me up with the cute one.
It never occurred to me that the guy might be a cad and predominantly lustful. What he thought was an ironclad opportunity for intimate relations; I felt was more of a Samantha moment from Bewitched. I would have twitched my nose and had a guillotine dropped on his swelling phallus. It was bad enough the disgusting drive through taco dinner landed in his lap making his groin area even more of a beefy mess. He tried kissing me and I fled like a bat outta hell. The date lasted all of fourteen minutes.
It was just a tiny foretaste of what was to come with dating. Despite my rancorous resentment, I liked my brother. Love was too strong a sentiment.
Not a Lifeguard
Swim at Your Own Risk
Mom took us to the neighbor’s pool one afternoon for a swim. I was among the sunbaked brood of amateur swimmers lacking in lifeguard training.
Mumsy got a little distracted, as we all do, enjoying a cocktail. Understandably so, having thirteen children between them who were mostly boys. I was surprised she didn’t say, Moms on martini break, swim at your own risk. Meanwhile, the rascal kinsmen of impractical jokes pulled funnies by diving in and bobbing up and down gasping for air, making my mother a wreck. I detected another problem.
I spotted a small bare-chested body submerged for a spell, wondering which brother it was. The one who used my favorite shoes for smashing caterpillars?
Or the one who once brought me mayo in a cup mixed with horseradish and told me it was vanilla pudding? So I wasn’t too quick in rescuing the mystery boy by jumping into a cold marinating pee pond just to pull out any irritator who made my life miserable. If I had been drowning, I could easily envision my male relations stealing the pretzels off my paper plate instead of saving me.
Besides, my boobs weren’t exactly Dolly Parton proportional that would aid as a proper flotation system. Even though it wasn’t my job to make sure my brothers surfaced, it was probably best that mom didn’t go home with one less child.
Laying it Down
Saves the Day
Accredited with lifeguarding, my oldest brother acted quickly and saved the day. Twenty-five years passed and I was partying at my parent’s pool with my own toddler, when another brother dove in to save her after her unexpected immersion.
With my heart sinking as well, it didn’t take long to realize my brothers aren’t always boneheads. They will lay down their lives for me, and I them. But if I get pushed into a pool and drown, motives will likely be questioned.