Profile: Patty Clark

Damsel In Dis Mess

Damsel In Dis Mess
Maternal adviser artiste, proficient hand letterer & calligrapher, cosmo connoisseur, dandelion warrior, & paraprosdokian (before you dash for the dictionary, it means “against expectation.”) Empowered by a quirkiness of wit through wisdom when insomnithusiastically writing silly embellished stories. I reside in northern San Diego County, which is somewhere west of Michigan, my home state. Without the inspiration from earth angels in forms of family, friends, and friendly strangers, I would not have kept the crackpot in me alive while penning this ticklish type of hyperbole humor. The only real thing I derive from being alive is the sense of humor.

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NoteStreams By Patty Clark

When You Wish Upon A Star

By Patty Clark 2519
I think crazy girlfriends are the best because you never know what you’re going to get.

Category: Lifestyle

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Orange Crush

My first memory of being adored occurred when I was about six years old, by a devoted frog who lived beneath our bushes.
Every day he would look at me with such excitation after I fed and caressed the little ribbiter. I kissed him, maybe with the ridiculous idea that he would turn into a handsome prince.

Category: Self Discovery

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Goddess of Recreation

This may surprise you, but I work diligently. Except for those times I feel the quantum stealth of anonymousness and I’m off doing something a little more intriguing.

Category: Lifestyle

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Crimes and Missed-Demeanor

My maturity level ultimately depends on who I’m with.

Category: Self Discovery

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Planet of the Grapes

I keep a sign on my front door that says No Soliciting….unless you’re bringing in a bottle of wine and are willing to wash some floors. That sign sits alongside another sign of special importance. Property protected by a wine swigging female. Boyfriend and parrot may not be upstanding either.

Category: Self Discovery

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So Happy Together

For a couple of years after we met, my beau and I were consumed with yearning and ended each loving sentiment with, Be Mine. Then, every enthusiastic body membrane told us to move in together. You have no idea how great it feels to wake up every morning and know he’s mine, and I’m his meal maker, dirty underwear picker-upper, and lost items locater. Which could be totally misconstrued for relationship purgatory if taken the wrong way.

Category: Self Discovery

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Miracle Worker

My sixty-three years had already arched my sensitive small spine. But there was nothing small about the pain I was suffering.

Category: Self Discovery

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Lovin’ Spoonfuls

Young parents these days are a bit more attentive to pesticides, additives, and preservatives than my generation was. Having become a grandmother my second time around, I can’t help but ponder the practices of child sustenance and what awaits this new mother. I’m surprised the food industry hasn’t come out with low fat tofu Tater Tots.

Category: Self Discovery

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Blah, Blah, Blah

If I want to start out the Year feeling somewhat optimistic, I should probably begin with several milligrams of Paxil.

Category: Self Discovery

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Good Deeds

Someone once said, the smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention. Tyler Perry did a Good Deed by helping a single mother with much-needed stability. Bono does good deeds with his humanitarianism. Clifford teaches lighthearted lessons on the value of helping others. I resolved to do one good deed daily during this holiday season. This week I am going to save on water by drinking hot toddies, leave peppermint bark on cars in store parking lots, take pizzas to employees at burger franchises, and drop off Victoria Secret catalog’s to fire stations for firefighter’s entertainment during down times.

Category: Lifestyle

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Clear and Present Wager

A wager is an agreement between two parties in which the one who has made an incorrect prediction about an uncertain outcome will forfeit something stipulated to the other. My boyfriend and I often participate in this kind of competitive challenging. He makes bets with me that I too won’t be able to find his glasses when they come up missing. It’s like making a wager with a female squirrel that she won’t find a nut.

Category: Self Discovery

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Dear Mr. Fantasy

I had always felt like something was missing in my life. I didn’t know if it was a person, a puppy, or a cream puff. All those years I waited for Prince Charming to show up and thought the poor guy might be caught in traffic or something. When he didn’t come, I ended up mating with the souls of Smirnoff, stuffed crust pizzas, and a few mild hangovers.

Category: Self Discovery

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Cursed

The priest never understood the severity of my suffering. It’s not like I robbed the church basket or threw a baby bunny off a bridge. Unlike most mischievous girls, Marie Antoinette never knew the adolescent amusement of teepeeing the neighbor’s house with multi-hued crepe paper… right before it rained. Neither did I. But I can’t say that I didn’t think about it.

Category: Self Discovery

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The Fugitive

How can a girl be blamed for baneful behavior when she has sat in front of the television tube absorbing the antics that shows like Dark Shadows and Have Gun, Will Travel presented? It was right around my seventeenth year of living when I subconsciously ran away. Never mind that I had every reason to take off after residing in a suburban Twilight Zone, where three sibling dames and six Dukes of Hazard were totally on top of me and my every move. Our Family Affair was a minefield. I would have liked more of a Laugh-In.

Category: Lifestyle

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Calls of Duty

One of my first jobs was driving one of those mobile hot dog trucks in Florida after I graduated from high school. Hundreds depended on me to fulfill their frankfurter dreams, which basically meant standing around yawning while waiting for someone to show up. I had unlimited access to fast food for eight excruciating hours. It’s a wonder I eat hot dogs today.

Category: Lifestyle

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Oldies But Goodies

I have quite the affinity for old people. I suppose I should start with my dad, the sprightly senior who at 92, is still as sane as….well, not anyone I know over the age of sixty.

Category: Lifestyle

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Two Great White Hopefuls

Sometimes I am assigned the responsibility of helping look for things, provided I have the essential dexterity to get the job done. This started with kids when they could never find anything. They walked around the house reciting the names of missing items as if they were going to magically reappear. It’s very much the same as cursing "Jesus Christ" which doesn’t exactly get you heavenly blessings.
Finding things is no different today. Take my beau, whose forgetfulness has started to dominate his existence and he can't find things he leaves around the house.

Category: Lifestyle

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Patty Melt

For years I envisioned the prospect of empty nesting with popping corks and practically packing my girls bags for them. As it turned out, cutting the cords was slightly more difficult than planned.

Category: Lifestyle

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Comedy of Err-Heads

If somebody has to look up the definition of an airhead, it means they may be one. It also means someone's head is likely full of empty space. To clarify though, three airheads together could mean something entirely different. Like the lack of being educated, in well, most newer things. One of which is technology.

Category: Lifestyle

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Sounds of Silence

Wind chimes. How harmonically jingly in gentle breezes and yet so vexatiously clangy. I am not impressed with the sounds of banging instruments when they unpityingly violate my sleep patterns. My boyfriend had them hanging on his patio, which backs his bedroom. This vision, that was planted in my brain, still remained. And in restless dreams I walked alone, since my man could basically sleep through a cataclysmic explosion. I suppose my morning nose blowing is equally as infuriating. But he did lovingly relocate the bellish jinglers. It was better than asking him to put in triple paned windows.

Category: Lifestyle

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Man Caving

If I had wanted to lose my boyfriend in 10 days, I would have used the reprehensible shenanigans of showing up at his place with flowery needlepointed pillows and wedding magazines while whining incessantly. Or, I could have simply placed a scorpion inside his bedsheets. But because he was a keeper, I chose to hold off on the whining and revealing my mean streak.

Category: Lifestyle

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Inside The Authors Studio

The kind of being I normally find attractive depends on my mood. If I’m sitting passively enjoying an episode of Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton, I might be attracted to the type of masculinity who has the love of words. But if I’m interrupted by a terribly eerie home invader, I might be more attracted to a serrated kitchen blade aimed at slaying the aggressor.

Category: Lifestyle

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Lordess of the Rings

There is usually not a time when I can’t take a phone call barring bath time, mealtime, or just plain social anxiety. My oldest daughter left a message yesterday to call her back. Concerned if it was something important, I called back right away. I left a long message relaying crucial information that my age spots are now multiplying and my belly has gone beyond its alluring limit. I know how exciting my precious phone call must have meant to her because when I called again she didn’t answer. Once I did get a hold of her she pleaded, “Gotta call you back. I might be able to make a baby, the postman is here.” This sort of zany exchange is true confirmation of our kinship. Something must have come up because I waited a full fifty-three seconds and she still hadn’t called back.

Category: Lifestyle

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Sunday Driver

Silly me for thinking bad things can’t happen on Sundays. God is expected to be on my side on the Sabbath but somehow takes a break and Satan steps in. Not to disregard our heavenly maker’s miraculous powers of persuasion, but if I had been in church where I was supposed to be, I doubt any of this would have happened. Let me start from the beginning.

Category: Lifestyle

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Brotherly Love

My sisters and I were saints. Just ask them. Behind every delinquent brother was a substantial amount of pugnaciousness and soviet style operations. The world needed new leaders who were cunning and resourceful. But I was seriously concerned about their futures heading more towards maximum security.

Category: Lifestyle

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Island Slummin’

Come listen to a story ‘bout island slummin’, and how we shared the burden of beachside bummin’. We said paradise is the place we need to be, so we loaded up our suitcases bound for Hawaii. Kaua’i that is. Tidepools.TV stars.

Category: Lifestyle

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My Ulta-mate Experience

Women know that however bad life gets, all they have to do is go anywhere that sells clothes or beauty products and they can go home feeling far better. I wasn’t depressed, just on a mission to replace my discontinued lipstick.

Category: Lifestyle

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My Four Hours Of Fame

Stardom is a many splendored thing for those of you who thought it might be love. Love is only included if you’re making ten million dollars per film and you’ve got a barge sized air conditioned trailer for resting in between shoots.
In an all too brief period in my past, I got a call to be an extra in a Verizon commercial...

Category: Lifestyle

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Will Work for Socks

If you’ve been lucky enough to go to your dryer and pull out matching sole mates, then you’re doing far better than most people.

Category: Lifestyle

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Happily Never After

When my boyfriend's mother was still alive, he took her into the Emergency ward after she suffered shortness of breath. While laying on a gurney during the medical evaluation, the nurse left the room for a moment and my beau pulled the sheet over his mom's head. She yelled, "Dammit Bob. That's not funny!" Apparently he thought it was humorous, as did the nurse when she caught him doing his comic act....

Category: Lifestyle

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Second Chances: A Mother's Reflection

There are many things I would do differently if I was brave and young enough to have another child. First of all, I would need to have more things in common with Maria von Trapp. Sounds of music and good vocals, unique ability to solve problems and sew clothes from heavy drapery material, postulance for entering an Abbey if things went haywire at home. And I would have a surrogate so I wasn’t left with belly marks that stretch from here to Hungary. I also have to say that making room for a cow in the house would sure make nursing simpler. All I would need to do is slip my baby underneath several udders and the suckling can feed all day while I do other things. It is a known fact that if you nipple feed, infants become dependent and eventually demand cell phones and a car.

Category: Lifestyle

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